My last post on the same topic i.e a successful marriage was rather futuristic in nature.This one is about building up a harmonious relationship and more contemporary.
No matter how much we thrash the major issues before marriage,some differences of opinion and unpalatable traits are bound to emerge when two individuals proceed into deeper waters.It is then that their forbearance,wisdom and adaptability are put to test.
These days we have become very individualistic and the desire to adjust is not very strong.As a result marriages are failing in greater numbers.If two persons think that their relationship has turned sour or they are not getting what they wanted from it, they are quick to divorce;believing that the next tie will give them the fulfillment which is lacking in this one.
This could be a good option where grave problems exist,but often a couple seeks divorce on frivolous grounds,just because they do not want to compromise;not realizing that no matter how many partners they change,tolerance and adjustment shall always be required. There are certain basic principles which can help a couple to cement their relationship.A brief article written by me on this subject was published in Kota Plus supplement of TOI on 14th Nov.I reproduce a copy of that text below:--
The initial euphoria of marriage simmers down with time and reality pushes into the fore.Two individuals who had hitherto only seen each other at their best are now exposed to the harsh glare of close proximity.Disappointments and disillusions are inevitable.
In order to build a harmonious life together,it is essential to accept your partner in totality;trying at the same time, to avoid clashes by adjusting according to his/her predilections.The changes should come from the person's own volition.Do not attempt a make-over of your partner---it is bound to create resentment and hostility.Remember your significant other is a human and if s/he has certain foibles then you too are not perfect.Both need to ignore minor irritations.
However if you have a serious complaint then tell it to your spouse in specific words and even tones.Stick to the particular behavior which hurts you.Don't pass sweeping comments like-you don't love me.Then listen patiently to his/her answer.Try to look at things from your partner's point of view.Also,take care to not rake up old issues--that will only exacerbate the situation.
Things go wrong despite best intentions.At such moments you need to find out a mutually acceptable solution.Desist from fixing the blame on your spouse.This can have disastrous consequences.The need is to improve the situation,and not destroy your partnership.
Affairs which concern the family should be frankly discussed by the couple.Any attempt to force a decision upon the other person or keep secrets is bound to create rift.
Ego problems can create a wide chasm between a couple.Keep the communication lines open and say sorry if you are at fault.
If your better half is upset, ask what happened and do what you can,to improve his/her mood.
If your spouse is very angry or a confrontation becomes explosive,then it is best to remove yourself from the scene.
The worst enemy of a couple is adultery,it's definition is rather fluid after the onset of internet--value your partner's sentiments.
The newness of marriage wears off after a few years and monotony creeps in.New pastures might look greener,but remember no matter how many partners you change,tolerance,patience and adaptation will always be required.A perfect marriage has to be worked at,it does not come ready-made.Build up a relationship on mutual trust,loyalty,devotion and honesty,and you can be sure of living together happily ever after :) .
The marriage season is in full swing but a lot of caution should be exercised before one ties the knot.Premarital counseling can help the prospective couple to avoid a mis-matched marriage and the heart-ache of a divorce.Considering this i sent an article to Kota Plus supplement of TOI which was published on 7th Nov 2014.I reproduce a copy of it below:---
A Happy Marriage
Marriage season is fast approaching.Every couple gets into matrimony envisioning a happy, life-long partnership, but it is a sad commentary on our times that incidents of divorce are rising.Problems arise because two individuals coming from different backgrounds,having their own dreams,expectations and value systems, are thrown together and often fail to reconcile themselves to those differences. If only they could know in advance what the other person expects from them and whether or not they can fulfill those expectations,it could save them a lot of heart-ache.One way of avoiding a failed marriage is to go for pre-marital counseling.It will enable the couple to be aware of the pitfalls which could possibly crop up and enable them to plan their future accordingly.The prospective bride and groom should both attend it together.
Here are some pointers for such a session:---
Are you happy with this match?
What do you expect from your partner?Do you know what s/he expects from you?Can you/do you want to,fulfill those expectations?
Do your value systems match?Which is that one quality with which you will not compromise?
If you follow different religions, will both of you have the liberty to follow your own religion?
Will you live in a joint family or a nuclear one?
Does the girl have the choice to build up her career or be a home maker if she likes?
If she takes up a job,will she have the freedom to keep her money,or help her parents;or will she be expected to put her money in the joint kitty?If the boy is transferred to another city will the wife be forced to leave her job and follow him? Will they share the details of their earnings and investments with each other?
Will the boy discuss major issues with his wife before taking a decision?
Do they have similar views on when and how many children they should have?Suppose one of them is infertile,what shall their course of action be in that case?If they belong to different religions,then whose religion will the child follow?
Are they both medically clean and compatible--in terms of HIV or Rh factor?
Pre-marital counseling enables the couple to judge if they are on the same wave-length so that if the chasm is impassable the marriage can be shelved.It is best to make a wise decision rather than sticking to a wrong one when the prospects of a harmonious union look bleak.
I have written a lot about suicides but it never seems enough because suicide is sheer waste of a precious life which not only kills one person but also leaves many others devastated.Every human has some value,some contribution to give to mankind--however insignificant one's own role may seem to that person.And even those who feel lonesome or neglected--even those--do have folks who care for them,need them,or at least who would be sorry to know that they took a leap into the unknown.
Most important--nothing lasts for ever.We often come to a difficult patch which leaves us mentally,emotionally and physically exhausted.Life seems hopeless and we conclude that we do not have the ability to solve our problems.Not only this,we also come to believe that fading into oblivion is the best course and nobody cares whether we live or die.Hence,the suicide. It is only a combination of circumstances which sows these thoughts in our mind.If we relegate our emotions to the background and try to think rationally we will certainly be able to find ways to ease our tensions . I wrote an article on this topic for TOI's supplement 'Kota Plus' which appeared on 31st Oct 2014.I reproduce a copy of it below,please give your views.
Suicide Is NOT The Answer.
These are stressful times.We all have our own share of challenges,obstacles and frustrations.Tensions are on the rise and support systems are on the wane.Sometimes it all becomes more than one can handle by oneself.A need is felt to confide in someone or ask someone's advice.Lucky are those who have a loving family or caring friends to fall back upon.But for those who are not thus blessed,life sometimes becomes a burden too heavy to bear.Or maybe, the problem is such that we just cannot share it with friends or family.So the problem is not resolved and the tension keeps mounting till one day,the situation becomes explosive.
It is then that we come to know that so and so has committed suicide.What a sad end to a promising life!Actually no one wants to die.They only want their pain to end and their problem to be solved.When they cannot achieve this on their own,they choose to end it all.
But if they cannot share their troubles with their friends or family then there are Mental Health Professionals who can help them to solve their problems so that they can live life once again.Mental Health Professionals like Psychiatrists,Psychiatric Social Workers,Counselors and Psychologists are honor-bound to keep your confidence.They are familiar with all the aberrations of the human mind and you can divulge your innermost secrets to them without any fear of ridicule or embarrassment.Every problem has a solution,it is only because a stressed out person cannot think lucidly that s/he feels that s/he has reached a dead end and death is the only answer.
Therefore if you have been under a lot of stress for many weeks and it has disrupted your life totally--spoiling your sleep,appetite and daily routine,then it is time to take the bull by the horns and take some positive steps to overcome your problems !!!!!
Unpleasant incidents are a part of life and the tension accruing from them has to be tolerated,but some tensions emanate from subjective factors and it is best to eliminate them.We often unconsciously adopt certain thinking patterns which destroy our peace of mind.By restructuring our conceptions we can ease the burden of woe and better equip ourselves to tackle the challenges which arise from external factors.
Thinking and Behaving Patterns Which Generate Stress:--
Not saying what you feel,bottling up your emotions.
Magnifying small irritants.
Comparing yourself with those who are more affluent or successful.
Trying to please everyone.
Worrying about what others think of you.
Distrusting everyone,suspecting their motives.
Holding grudges,not forgiving.
Taking too much on yourself.
Over ambition,aiming at unrealistic targets.
Not taking help from anyone.
Obsessing about past or worrying about future.
Expecting too much from life,everybody has ups & downs.
These are small intangibles,yet they are capable of destroying our health and happiness.Would you like to add any of your own perceptions?Feel free.....